The Ensemble Love Line is here to help. Last month we put the call out for your love, dating, sex and relationship conundrums, and we had an array of people call and message in (thank you to those who opened up!). We took those anonymous questions and concerns and put them to a range of relevant ‘experts’ - this week, an array of fantastic flirts give their tips to a flirting rookie.
If you have a dilemma that you’d like our panel to ponder, get in touch with the Ensemble Love Line on 0272095569.
I’ve just moved to university and there are many cute boys that I would like to get to know better… but I'm not the best flirt. I'm flirtatious but I'm also a bit timid – I'm not flirtatious in an overt or useful way.
What would be your advice as to how I can work on that and how I can make my interest known?
I’ve been making a concerted effort to be a bit more bold, but I feel like I get so scared and panic. I also feel like I’m always in a position where I'm initiating conversations; making that first follow request, sending the first DM. But I expect the other person to pick up on that, but maybe I'm not necessarily laying that flirty foundation.
If you have any go to lines or any advice, that would be much appreciated – and I'm sure there are so many other gals who feel the same way.
Advice from Ash Williams, actor, model and founder of her namesake brand
First year of university, how exciting! So many new people to fu-I mean meet and get to know! I love your question because I feel that so many young people freak out about talking or flirting with people they're interested in, so let me tell you some things that have worked for my friends and I in the past.
Firstly, flirting is fun and silly. You should be having fun and not worrying about the outcome because what's the worst that could happen? They say no and then you move on. Sure your ego may get a little hurt but that won't matter when you keep reminding yourself you're the baddest bitch they've ever spoken to.
Now before you involve the other person you need to do some self work first. This is a confidence thing. My bestie came to me once with a similar question and I told her the same thing I'm about to tell you: to walk around p...y first.
I don't mean walking around throwing coochie at everyone. No, quite the opposite. It's about sitting in your deep feminine power and leading with that to give you confidence. It's about reminding yourself that you always have something someone wants. Looking people in the eye and holding eye contact because you can. That you are THAT bitch and everyone wants to f..k you (even if they don't). Once you practise this enough you won't even need pick up lines. After my bestie did it she said "bro I been walking around p...y first all day and people won't stop eye f…ing me."
Then I want you to ask yourself what you want out of the situation. Are you trying to flirt? Trying to f..k? Get to know them on a personal level? Date? Once you know what you really want, it will help how you approach the person.
If you want the interaction to just be sexual, then make it that. When I knew all I wanted was to flirt and f..k, the first things I would say would be initiating those things. The push and pull games just leave people wondering the whole time so why not just say it.
Here is one of my favourite lines I've used on multiple occasions: "your moustache is cute, *wait for their reply* it would look cuter between my legs" (only works if they have a moustache). An alternative to this if they do not have one could be, "I love your hair, *wait for their reply* I'd love it even more between my legs." Leading with this sets up that you mean business and you want your p...y ate! This has worked every single time for me and you can alter it how you want, like I said, have fun!
You could also lead with a cuter, less horny line like a compliment to a physical feature. Their eyes, their lips, their smile. Once I just said "take my number" to someone and they did.
If you're trying to date or get to know them before anything sexual then I would lead with something more personal. Like a question about their life or interests. I don't feel like a pick up line usually works here because it's more based on what you want to know about the person. This requires you to really let go of the fear and just be your fun and sexy self.
Flirting is about being yourself, being confident and having fun. If someone isn't receptive to what you have to offer that has nothing to do with you! Don't be disheartened, tell your ego to shut the f..k up and go flirt with his friend (just kidding hehe).
Lastly, remember that men are generally more scared to approach women because like a lot of people they are scared of rejection. Confidence is the sexiest thing you can wear.
Advice from Jonny Mahon-Heap, writer
Most of us cannot flirt. We wince when we see it. My own attempts at flirting have all the spark of a kid watching their fizzy drink can from across the room and willing it to explode.
The most provocative line I’ve ever heard came from a state of basic sexual desperation, and amounted to “Climate change is gonna kill us all so might as well make out while we can.” Persuasive, urgent, terrifying.
Lately, I found myself bashful around an office crush who made me sputter like our floor’s frequently broken coffee machine. It turns out sputtering at someone “d-d-do you know who I am?” comes across as the perfect mix of both pathetic and threatening that can kill any good flirtation dead in its tracks.
My last real attempt at flirting was four years ago with my now-boyfriend, in a drone strike of DMs that were met with the rhetorical equivalent of a full stop (“Wow”, he replied, “You have a lot of thoughts”.) What I’m saying is, no one knows. And I know less than most.
For one, it depends where you’re trying to flirt. At a party, in your DMS, on an app? The lingua franca of dating apps makes this an easier task - you can come in “hot”, your agendas already clear, your preferences pre-ticked, no overthinking allowed.
In person, you can try to ask questions that are a proxy for other questions, ones that can encase hidden meanings. I suppose what I’m saying is - flirting should feel like you’re swiftly unstacking a series of verbal matryoshka dolls.
I’m a firm adherent of the belief that conversation is like tennis - you’re only as good as your partner. But there are certain, adept ways to start flirting without needing to be Federer-level.
Allow for a degree of playfulness, try to jibe with a sense of fun without falling outright into mockery. Ideally, after a few sentences, you should fall into a state of free play.
Before you know it, by volleying your short, horny missives back and forth, you will have unlatched that person’s deepest, most inner desires like a thief with a lock, breaking free in the truest, most High School Musical sense of romantic oblivion.
All I ask is that, if you figure out how to do any of this, please let me know.
Advice from Hayley Sproull, comedian and radio host
You've come to the right place – I love to flirt. Even though I'm in a relationship, I still love to flirt... with the waiter, with the receptionist, with the coffee boy... I'll flirt with anyone. I love holding eyes a little too long. I love devilish looks where it looks like I'm smiling but really I'm thinking of very naughty things and I let that twinkle shine. I love finding common ground and making it feel like 'oh... you like Metallica?... me too'. I like hands on arms. I like to make ‘em laugh. But I know it's scary.
I'm best when the situation doesn't have so much pressure. So maybe try to put yourself in situations where the cute guy is there but there's lots of other people. One on one is terrifying, but if you're at the same party and you happen to make your way over to them it's way more chill. Are they going to a gig? Get a ticket! Do they play sport? Omg I'm out walking past that field! Create opportunities to 'bump' into them in a casual way and just let it feel relaxed!
Comedian Hayley Sproull will perform at the NZ International Comedy Festival with her show Wild Flutters, at the Best Foods Comedy Gala, and as host of the Best Comedy Show on Earth.
Advice from Maxine Kelly, owner of luxury lingerie store Underlena
Fun! I love that there are so many cute boys that you want to flirt with – enjoy it. Firstly, know that you’re not alone! Those cute boys are likely terrified too and likely will appreciate someone being a little forward.
Secondly, take the pressure off. Be yourself and make some conversation. You asked how to make your interest known - I think it’s truly as simple as being interested. Think about it: how hot is it when someone asks you a real question? How would you like someone to flirt with you?
Once you’ve got a conversation going and you like how it’s going, it’s likely some flirting will come to you naturally anyway. Keep it simple – a little eye contact can go a long way.
If they’re not picking up the vibe, then perhaps they weren’t the right candidate for you anyway! It’s this or something better, babe. (That’s actually my line for you. Your mantra, if you will). I’m excited for you.
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