The Ensemble Love Line is here to help. We put the call out for your love, dating, sex and relationship conundrums, and we had an array of people call and message in. We took those anonymous questions and concerns and put them to a range of relevant ‘experts’ – this week, the practicalities of a marriage of convenience.
If you have a dilemma that you’d like our panel to ponder, get in touch with the Ensemble Love Line on 0272095569.
Should I get married to an American I hardly know for a Green Card? Will he get clingy though?
Advice from Stacey O, sex, love and relationship coach, and host of the podcast 'Finger Food'
I love this question because I've lived a version of this myself, albeit with a twist. I got married at 22 for visa purposes – except my ex-hubby married me for a UK visa (and also for love) but it was most definitely fast-tracked for visa purposes so we could stay together. We are divorced now, and I have ZERO regrets because we got to stay together and live in London for the duration of our 20s, and we had the time of our lives! Still, deciding to marry for visa purposes is far from straightforward.
I can’t give you a definitive right or wrong answer – although technically the law can, as entering into a marriage solely for immigration benefits is a serious federal crime in the United States. But like, obviously, loads of people do it, yolo etc.
I would say it's pretty crucial to weigh the risks, implications and safety factors involved. How well do you really know this person? Building a strong foundation of trust and understanding with your potential spouse is essential, regardless of the circumstances.
I see the practical side of marrying for visa purposes, but that's just me. So, it's essential to align your decision with your own values. What are your beliefs about marriage? Is marriage sacred to you, or is it just a piece of paper?
Assuming you trust this person and it aligns with your values, the next step is to set clear expectations and boundaries. Remember, divorce isn't a walk in the park; it's lengthy and expensive. Financial considerations are paramount. Sharing assets and exposing yourself to financial risk is no small thing, so I would consider a prenup and seek legal advice.
As for concerns about his clinginess, communication is key. I would establish a very clear agreement between the two of you – exit strategies and all. Make sure you address your fears, and your desires as well as setting boundaries. This should hopefully cultivate more clarity and trust between you and once everything is out on the table, you’ll know if it’s the right or wrong decision based on how you both feel. Good luck out there x
As a Certified Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach and Culinary Artist, Stacey O seamlessly combines her passions in her global independent podcast 'Finger Food'. Through cooking her guests' favourite dishes, they engage in vulnerable conversations around intimacy and relationships over a shared meal.
Specialising in somatic coaching, Stacey explores the intricate connection between the mind and body, guiding clients towards deeper self-understanding and expression. She's dedicated to normalising open discussions about sex and pleasure worldwide, empowering people to discover more freedom within themselves.
Advice from Johanna Cosgrove, comedian and co-host of Rats in the Gutter
First of all – I commend your commitment to becoming a citizen of the world. Despite New Zealand being one of the best passports to have (in terms of diplomatic strength and ease of visa applications) the lengths to which we will go to have greater access to ‘adventures and travel’ far surpasses the average bio on any dating app.
I too, have dreamed of roaming New York's rat infested streets with a fur coat and a cigarette dangling off my lips as an old timey (yet still hot) man emits a low whistle and mutters “she’s really something ain’t she” to no one in particular.
Even though America is truly the heinous capitalist seat of evil, I too have felt the lure of its bright lights and wondered if the American dream could be achieved by a young simple gal from Aotearoa.
However, I’ve got some burning questions. How long have you known this person for? Are you actually interested in them? Are they expecting a marriage in its most ancient form: transactional? Wherein you will be providing their family with a dowry of donkeys for the chance to work without being deported? Or are they expecting you to function as a loving bride from now until as long as you both shall live?
I’ve got friends who got engaged with the intention of getting one of them a Green Card. Long story short, they are still engaged and she doesn’t have a Green Card. There are still hoops you will have to jump through after the marriage to procure a visa and I’ve heard that this bureaucracy is… romantically invasive. Get ready to (potentially) provide the receipts!
If you are willing to participate in a long term charade and method act your way to fame, fortune and freedom – then, baby, go for it! But if you don’t have genuine feelings for someone it would be remiss of me not to sternly say that they better know you ain’t keen before they trot down the aisle. This is not a reality show!
As to your second point of ‘getting clingy’... girl, what in the fresh hell? In my experience, people get clingy when a) unresolved mummy issues and b) the communication isn’t clear. When they have a sick sixth sense that someone is leading them on but can’t really pinpoint the problem or understand why you’re suddenly disinterested in their touch rugby tournament or refusing to kiss them on the mouth. Without knowing any more context, this is giving huge wafts of avoidance (full disclosure: I have no psychological qualifications whatsoever!).
I personally support the marriage 4 visa scenario as much as I personally support scamming (with my whole being), but only if you are both in on it. Talk to them, let them in on your thoughts, feelings and plans.
A co-conspirator in the face of the psychotic US capitalist hellscape machine is not just helpful, but essential.
Johanna Cosgrove is an award-winning actor/comedian/writer/poet/clown school graduate based in Tāmaki Makaurau, and the co-host of podcast Rats in the Gutter. She co-wrote the book of poetry, Crying on the Phone.
Advice from Samuel Te Kani, writer and co-host of Rats in the Gutter
That’s a massive risk. Though clarifying why you want the Green Card is the relevant thing. Are you looking to move overseas for a career opportunity, one that already exists or one that’s just in your head at this point?
If there’s something worthwhile waiting for you in America besides obesity and civil war, then I’d say go for it. And who knows, maybe the rest will follow and you’ll be happily married to this guy, with a career to boot.
But if this is like a drastic impulsive ‘I’ve gotta change my life any way that I can’ kinda decision, then I’d advise against. Marry someone because you want to marry them, not because you want to feel something (like, anything at all). And if you want a career, then take considered steps towards that, whatever that is.
Getting clear on what you want independent of outside input is the best advice I’ve ever been given and I happily pass it on here.
That said, two factors spring to mind which could sway me, and which might be swaying you. Firstly, how hot are they? If there’s anything I’ve clocked about Americans it’s that their shrill charisma can sometimes be mistaken for attractiveness, that a national character of (geopolitical?) arrogance can occasionally throw a glamour of schmoozy confidence. They’re disarming, they can make you feel safe; until of course they’re selling weapons to a country that wants to obliterate you in the name of god and country.
Basically you want to ask yourself if your attraction to this person is rooted in concrete factors, or if it’s a gung-ho seduction of that shrill American persona that ALWAYS has an ulterior motive (kinda kidding haha, but also kinda not).
Secondly, how rich are they? Are they prepared to support you when you get over there, at least until you find your own professional footing with whatever it is that you do? This isn’t to say you should marry somebody for their money – though I definitely don’t shame that as a lifestyle choice – but your own financial autonomy is crucial. If things sour over there away from your homegrown support networks then you’ll need an out. At the very least enough money for a return ticket home. Tread carefully girl.
