The Ensemble Love Line is here to help.
We put the call out for your love, dating, sex and relationship conundrums, and we had an array of people call and message in (thank you to those who opened up!). We took those anonymous questions and concerns and put them to a range of relevant ‘experts’ - this week, how to navigate the dating apps while single and pregnant.
If you have a dilemma that you’d love our panel to ponder, get in touch with the Ensemble Love Line on 0272095569.
I'm pregnant and having a sperm donor baby. Do I need to put this on my dating profile even if I'm not showing?
Advice from Stacey O, sex, love and relationship coach, and host of the podcast 'Finger Food'
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy; that’s so exciting! Your decision to become a mumma on your own terms is very empowering and inspiring to me.
The first question I’d ask is, what are your desires with online dating? Is it just for casual dating and having fun? Are you seeking a one-night stand? Or are you looking for a long-term partner to raise your child with? This clarity would likely influence how much you want to share and how soon you want to share it.
In my opinion, you definitely don’t have to include this information on your dating profile. Prioritising your safety and comfort is key, and you have the right to keep it private until you feel ready to share it with someone you've established a connection with. And in saying that, I’m a big believer in transparency and honesty, so the sooner you can share this info, the better. Being upfront about your situation will filter out the duds who may not be comfortable or ready to enter into a relationship with someone who is pregnant or planning to have a child. There’s no point in wasting your time or anyone else's!
Ultimately, the decision to include details about your pregnancy on your dating profile is a personal one. The main things I’d be considering are my values, boundaries, and expectations for the relationship. If you do decide to disclose this info sooner rather than later, I’d approach it with confidence and honesty and then I’d let go of any expectations. A mantra I love working with is “What’s in alignment for me will not bypass me”. When we are clear about what we want, take aligned action, and are unattached to the outcome - you can’t really go wrong!
As a Certified Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach and Culinary Artist, Stacey O seamlessly combines her passions in her global independent podcast 'Finger Food'. Through cooking her guests' favourite dishes, they engage in vulnerable conversations around intimacy and relationships over a shared meal.
Specialising in somatic coaching, Stacey explores the intricate connection between the mind and body, guiding clients towards deeper self-understanding and expression. She's dedicated to normalising open discussions about sex and pleasure worldwide, empowering people to discover more freedom within themselves.
Advice from Samuel Te Kani, writer and co-host of Rats in the Gutter
Um, maybe not on your dating profile but it’s certainly something you want to broach with somebody early on. Like in your preamble chats sort of thing. I’ve gotta commend your decisiveness though, like broadly and in life. You seem to be someone that knows exactly what they want, and you’re not waiting on anybody else’s schedule to go and get it. Kudos!
Having said that, was there ever a question of not telling somebody you were pregnant? Like, were you planning on keeping that aspect of your life separate from your hypothetical date. I mean, depending on how things panned out, in three or so months the physical evidence of your trying time would be hard to hide. I’m imagining an unusual spring/summer wardrobe of disfiguring mo-hair and camouflaging cable knits with your partner having an existential crisis over whether or not they’re inherently fat phobic, or just genuinely concerned that you’ve put on a significant amount of weight in a short space of time. Again; that’s nobody’s business but yours. But keeping a pregnancy from a partner in the name of bodily agency and a woman’s right to choose etc - crazy.
If your reservations about putting your donor-pregnancy on your dating profile stem from hesitancy about potential partners being okay with your life choices, then I’d actually say just put it up there. Why not? It would surely reflect the way you’ve already approached fulfilling your own needs, and I think it communicates something important about yourself that would surely lure an appropriate person out of the woodwork for you.
But then it comes back to what you want. A partner? Put it up. A root? Keep it off. Unless you’re wanting some sort of fetishy mummy play i.e. putting a dude in diapers and having him drink your milk. I can understand the appeal.
Samuel Te Kani (Ngāpuhi) is a writer, author, sexpert and co-host of the podcast Rats in the Gutter. He wrote a book of erotic stories, Please, Call Me Jesus.
Advice from Johanna Cosgrove, comedian and co-host of Rats in the Gutter
Congratulations queen! I am positively thrilled for you! How exciting re: baby and I’m so sorry about navigating the hellish nightmare that is the dating apps in New Zealand.
Personally, my Hinge profile reveals absolutely nothing about me other than that I was a television writer at some point in time and that I fear birds and hate carnie cheese cutter hats. My photos are a carefully selected highlight reel that fulfill the “Hot/smart/funny” energy I wish to exude into the world but other than that - I’m actually a closed book on first glance. Why give away everything at the start! The discourse online will take you down another direction, encouraging you to be completely upfront and honest about literally everything in your life from the first click - but I personally don’t agree with this approach. I like my layers to be peeled away like an onion.
When I’m swiping/strictly messaging on the apps, I approach it with the energy of a personality catfish. I try not to confide anything personal about myself, I will absolutely not be opening with a witty one liner (waste of good material!) and I will be waiting with baited breath to see if they can bring ‘good banter’ to the table. The reason for this is that (after several cursed parasocial ‘situationships’) I much prefer to get to know someone in person. I would like to get a small sense of who they are but ultimately decide face-to-face if the connection is there.
Your pregnancy is a massive part of your life - both present and future! However, it doesn’t define who you are. I don’t think you need to disclose this info on your public dating profile at all! When you match with someone is when I would recommend letting them know - it’s a good and responsible thing to do and I’d hate for you to be plagued by unwanted pregnancy fetishists (unless that is something you’re excited to explore - in which case, jump on Feeld and absolutely go for it).
Good luck out there, you’re my hero.
