Not for the first time in my life, I’m lined up in an alley nervously waiting to be let into a bar and painfully aware that I’ve misread the dress code.
Around me gorgeous groups of women are huddled dressed in dresses, going out tops and heels, hair and makeup done. Some are reapplying lip gloss. As there often is in the moments before doors open, a nervous, expectant energy is floating in the air. A woman in front of me in the line turns to her leather pant-clad friend, opening her mouth widely and asks, “do I have broccoli in my teeth?”
She’s all good, but I’m not. I’m stood behind her wearing a cashmere t-shirt in a fetching shade of oatmeal, oversized wire framed reading glasses and a plaid skirt, suddenly aware my look is better suited to a feminist lecture held in a community hall rather than the boozy brunch my glam counterparts look to be attending.
In a way though, both sartorial approaches hold merit. I’ve joined this queue not as a wallflower at the orgy, but as a lesbian going to a blowjob class.
We’re all gathered, just off Auckland's Queen Street at 2:30pm on a Saturday, to attend BJ Like a Boss, a two hour hands-on workshop run by certified holistic sex coach Melissa Vranjes. The event, she pitches me, is all, “about learning how to give world-class blowjobs and awaken male pleasure through a female-focused lens.” I’ve roped in my gamest straight friend to accompany me.
Held in a sumptuous underground bar, the lesson is on first impressions, I message the group chat, putting the cock in coquette. Champagne coupes set on the table are tied with delicate red ribbons, not dissimilar to the dainty bows that might adorn the front of a lacy bra.
A red and pink aesthetic dominates the instructional materials filled with flirtatious copywriting (think: more than just lip service). The fleshy dildos that stand at attention on the tabletops awaiting the 30 or so of us taking part are pink and flecked with glitter. Barbie’s first blowjob.
As we greet our classmates, it becomes apparent that this is a broad church. Some have just come out of long term relationships, here either as part of an explorative journey to discover who they are and what they like outside the stale confines of a fossilised sexual routine, or as an act of quasi revenge – goading their ex into a realisation they’re missing out on the new and improved them.
Others are here to gain upskill for the benefit in their ongoing relationships, self-described ‘pillow princesses’ who’ve “basically never seen a dick before”. Others aren’t in relationships but seeking to gain confidence for encounters to come, be they casual or continuing.
Why am I here? In part, to satisfy a natural curiosity and my editor's note that it would 'make a great story'. More candidly, I figure we could all do with being more confident between the sheets, and because trans women are women, the chances of me encountering a penis in my dating life aren’t zero.
After a glass of liquid courage, and reassurances we don't have to do anything we’re not comfortable with, we get down to business. Vranjes takes off her blazer and starts leading by example, demonstrating with steady confidence the techniques she’s espousing, as well as explaining why they work, for receiver and dispatcher.
Almost immediately, my reservations about this being a narrow-minded #girlboss giggle fest are assuaged. While the human humour of the situation is unavoidable, the overarching mood is about teasing out sexual confidence in all forms.
Herewith, the five broad reaching lessons I learned while diving below the belly of the beast.
Slow it down babes
“Porn,” Vranjes explains, “is about getting people off quickly.” That's not how it works in the real world. You want to feel confident and in control. Peak sexual embodiment means relaxing, slowing things down so you can build tension. “Warm up the whole body [theirs and yours] before you enter the treasure chest.”
Relaxing your body is the secret to deep throating too, when breath control is everything. Again, says Vranjes, think about positioning yourself so you can be in control, usually this means being on top, “force makes you freeze.” Inhale on the way down and exhale on the way up.
Foreskins are overrated, butts are underrated
During the instructional portion of the evening, Vranjes mentions during a couple of different techniques that you can intensify the pleasure by gently pulling the foreskin back to expose the sensitive glans (head) of the penis. “You want it out of the way,” she explains. Not everyone will enjoy this, so go gently.
You want the foreskin out of the way, but for optimal pleasure Vranjes says you do want to get involved with the rear. “The male G-spot lives in his anus which can bring him so much pleasure,” she explains.
The g in question is actually a p. The prostate, a walnut-sized gland located below the bladder that produces seminal fluid and is also surrounded by nerve endings, making it a major erogenous zone. It can be stimulated externally, via the taint, but going through the anus is the more direct way. “Two knuckles deep,” advises Vranjes simulating a come hither curl of her fingers.
Go slowly and gently here too. “People have a lot of… shit around their anus,” she advises with a laugh, “so have a conversation.”
Broaching anal play might start with a phrase like, “I’d love to bring you more pleasure and I know that your g spot lives in your anus.”
“So many things feel shameful, unnecessarily. Dive in!” Vranjes implores. “Follow your curiosities without judgement.”
An answer Vranjes gives to a query about enjoying mutual pleasure while 69-ing feels applicable here too: “The more you practise, the more you won't be worried about doing it right. We all have a feeling body.”
Wet is good
“Lube is the easiest thing to introduce to heighten your sex,” Vranjes tells us. “That or an aeroplane” my tablemate who is seeing a pilot counters. Lube is more accessible.
If your mouth is nice and slippery, everything else will be too. That’s important for everyone’s pleasure. “We forget sexual energy is in the air, we can move it around,” Vranjes advises. “Get in your body, move your body, focus on your p…y.”
Had a kid? Your old self is gone
Vranjes wraps up the session with an intimate Q+A session, in which we’re invited to ask any sex related questions on the tip of our tongue. “Nothing scares me or is weird,” she reassures.
The queries thrown at her are as broad as our motivations for coming along. Someone in the corner, here as part of a rowdy birthday party, yells out, “How do I ruin his life?”
“What she means,” her friend intercepts, trying to regain control of the situation, “is how can I feel sexy? I’m a mum and your libido changes – it feels different?”
More valuable than any of the practical advice we’ve learnt this afternoon is Vranjes’ repeated reminders that open communication is the hottest thing you can bring to the bedroom, whatever life stage, or sexual situation you find yourself in. “Communicating means you don’t feel alone,” she soothes in this situation, “even if your old self is gone.”
Instead, she implores, see this as an opportunity to “reboot your sexual self, and focus on micro moments that make you feel sensual.” Vranjes suggests compiling a turn on / turn off sheet that details the senses [touch, smell, feels] that bring you pleasure in the moment and in your day-to-day. Share this with your partner.
You’re not always going to come
Someone asks whether toys, and their ability to bring themselves to climax, are interfering with opportunities for human to human pleasure. “Am I ruining my clit and my chance to get off with a man?”
The answer is, maybe. Depending on how often you’re reaching for mechanical stimulation, you could be rewiring your pleasure pathway to only respond to this sort of stimulation.
Vranjes says, generally, much physical pleasure relies on us being in a mental space that is conducive to sexual experiences and pleasure building. “What’s happening in your mind affects your body” and “sexual energy needs to move; instead of being a plank, open yourself to the energy.,” she says.
“Be OK that you’re not going to come every time,” while knowing that orgasmic seasons (AKA multiple orgasms) rely on blended pleasure that utilise internal and external pressure and toys that can be used in conjunction with your partner can be fruitful here.
With that knowledge we open our throats one last time, downing what’s left of our drinks, picking up our goody bags and funnel back up the stairs. Heading into the daylight and bedroom, feeling more confident and sexy than before.
