The Ensemble Love Line is here to help. We put the call out for your love, dating, sex and relationship conundrums, and had an array of people call and message in (thank you to those who opened up!). We took those anonymous questions and concerns and put them to a range of relevant ‘experts’ – this week, airport etiquette.
If you have a dilemma that you’d like our panel to ponder, get in touch with the Ensemble Love Line on 0272095569.
The guy I’m sleeping with asked me to pick him up from the airport. I will gladly pick him up, it’s really not a bother – but how do I explain to him that it is girlfriend territory without sounding like a bitch?
Advice from Frankie Dale, writer
Maybe it’s because I’m a Taurus and expect even my one night stands to be reliable or maybe it’s because acts of service turn me on, but, if I’m giving someone head on the reg, a ride home from the airport doesn’t enter girlfriend territory if you don’t want it too.
I mean, I think it definitely depends on the nature of your relationship with this person; like, if he gets weird when you ask him to fill up your water bottle before bed then yeah, maybe this person isn’t deserving of a ride from the airport. But, if this person is respectful of you, your body and your time, I don’t think the airport pick up is that big a deal.
Of course, I totally get where you’re coming from. The trip out to the airport seems like an intimate favour; not to mention logistically an anxious nightmare: do I get out of the car and hug you, do I park the car and walk to your gate, do I come into your house or just drop you? Do we kiss hello???
Something about the airport seems oddly intense – like, I’m the first person they’re going to see off the plane which feels major. Can you not afford an Uber or are you just obsessed with me?
Maybe the city you live in determines how intimate of a favour the airport pick up is. In terms of city planning, Auckland and Dunedin’s airports are 30-minute drives from their central hubs. Assuming you don’t live near the airport, making an hour round trip for a casual relationship seems like a lot to ask. After all, that time could be spent plucking my nipple hair.
Plus, with gas prices being what they are, invoicing someone you're casually seeing for fuel feels rude, right?
I was sleeping with someone once who was basically repelled by the sight of me and HE still picked me up from the airport. I mean, to be fair, we are in Wellington where the airport is basically a four minute car ride from anyone’s house but even the devil himself thought the airport pick up wasn’t boyfriend territory (he did make me buy him a Subway which was just a chiller way of formally invoicing me and not to mention significantly more expensive than the amount of gas the trip would have actually taken).
For context, this person was so averse to being my boyfriend that he refused to see me in the daylight. Like, if we were on the street and he saw me at 3pm he would cross the road – he was like a non-committal vampire with a stinky station wagon.
He picked me up, we discussed my trip to Auckland, we talked about how awesome his weekend was without me and then went our separate ways when he dropped me home. He texted me an hour before sunset asking if I wanted to hang out that night and life continued the same; sex with no strings attached.
At the end of the day, every relationship is different but a favour can just be a favour. However, like I said, don’t pick him up if you don’t think the favour would be returned. I think save yourself the awkward conversation and just carry on with the assumption that nothing has changed and that you’re still casual. I mean, it’s not like he will have a logical leg to stand on if he says “WHAT?? I thought you were my girlfriend, you picked me up from the airport??”
Get him, don’t get him – both are equally cool and undefining of your relationship ahead. And, in any case, you are most definitely not a bitch!
Frankie Dale explores the topics of love, relationships, and the self, whilst temporarily ruining her exes lives, as seen in her past column, To Be Frank in Salient magazine.
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Advice from Rachel Dasler, counsellor
The joy of being human is that we now know how much neuroscience plays into relationships – in other words, how is my brain reacting in certain moments? When we enter an arrangement where sexual intimacy is present, the dopamine in our brain gets a bit of a kick, and we start to like what is happening and we want more!
Usually if you are continuing to have a sexual relationship, things are feeling pretty good, and our brains like this connectivity, and that connectivity plays into feelings of mutual reciprocity and appreciation. We start to feel more and more in sync, orchestrated by our physical connection… But what is happening emotionally?
Well, as we start to have more connective physical moments, the physical interweaves with the emotional and all of us can get a little threatened when we begin to be aware of differences in the other, that are sure to arise, but can shock the brain when this awareness happens! Our brains are coding any conflict as a threat, so is it any wonder we try to avoid disagreements when we are in a casual sleeping arrangement, that is probably quite satisfying on many levels, without the necessary intimacy both physical and emotional of a more defined and connective partnership?
We are all shaped to a certain extent by our upbringing, how we were parented, what expectations there were in our family/wider family make up, how we witnessed adult communication, and how we were encouraged to voice our feelings and options growing up, that kind of thing. You might have quite a lot in common with this guy, however there will naturally be some things that you think are “normal” and this guy will not, and vice versa. Throwing in some unspoken expectations – in this case, your assumption that one airport pick up could lead to more, and that doing this is really in the girlfriend territory – and suddenly, we aren’t always in sync with each other, and nor can we always be. Suddenly we are needing to define ourselves beyond the physical.
I don’t think you will necessarily have to sound like a bitch to have an adult conversation together and for you to lay down some clear expectations around what you are seeking in this connection.
Here comes the truth – the longer you are connecting with someone physically, the more the emotional comes into play, so it is time to have to boundary your expectations with this guy. Maybe you’ve been down this path before, or you’re wary about hurting him, but being clear about what you think this arrangement is and what you don’t want, will ensure that there are less unspoken assumptions that can lead to mixed messages, misunderstandings, and hurt. Take a bit of time to sit down and talk together without any other disruptions, maybe over a coffee and out of the bedroom. Good luck!
