The Ensemble Love Line is here to help. We put the call out for your love, dating, sex and relationship conundrums, and we had an array of people call and message in (thank you to those who opened up!). We took those anonymous questions and concerns and put them to a range of relevant ‘experts’ - this week, a complex relationship with an ex..
If you have a dilemma that you’d like our panel to ponder, get in touch with the Ensemble Love Line on 0272095569.
I'm seeing my ex after she had a violent break up with her husband of 10 years. I've fallen back into my old routine of being a supportive boyfriend, but she's adamant about us not being an item. While I can appreciate that, considering she's grieving her break up, my instinctive boyfriend routine is eating me alive. We spent Valentine’s apart.
Advice from Rachel Dasler, counsellor
Your ex is recovering from an abusive relationship, likely to be for 10 years she has been married, and that relationship has ended violently. She will be traumatised, and her self worth and confidence will no doubt be at an all time low. Right now the most important factor for her recovery, post a violent relationship history and trauma, is the need for people your ex can feel physically and emotionally safe around, as she gathers up the pieces and learns to move forward from a deeply unsafe place, to a place of physical and emotional safety, where she can then choose if she wants to engage in another intimate relationship, and on her terms.
I hope your ex also has some counselling support to address this trauma and to move to a fulfilling life with safe relationships. It sounds to me like you are assuming you are in the boyfriend role already, given your relationship history together, however your ex is clear that she is not ready to engage in a relationship right at this time, and you must respect her position here.
You note you are being a supportive “boyfriend” but the reality is that you can be a supportive friend right now, however you will need to put your romantic feelings to the side and focus on helping your ex to heal, if she is happy to have you walk alongside her in this journey of recovery.
Your observation around spending Valentine’s Day apart just reinforces the reality that your ex is not ready for another relationship at this time, as she is getting over a significant trauma, and must be able to focus on the healing and building her sense of self again after the violent rupture with her last relationship. Please respect her requests and emotional boundary around this, to not do so is abusive. Your ex needs a safe person to support her in her recovery from an abusive relationship, are you that safe person?
Rachel holds full membership with the New Zealand Association of Counsellors (MNZAC) and is also an NZAC approved Supervisor. Rachel has experience working with individuals (including children and adolescents) couples and families, and her counselling is underpinned by a person-centered modality, with a focus on nurturing connection to self and to others, to bring about, and sustain, supportive change. She is at Practice 371 in Auckland on Mondays, 9-5pm.
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Women's Refuge For women and children. 0800 733 843
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