Acclaimed poet Hera Lindsay Bird has a wicked sense of humour, and a wonderful sense of style. Recently, she worked with Kate Sylvester to create a poem, ‘Dulce et Decorum etc’, inspired by the designer’s spring/summer collection ‘Exploding Woman’ (hear more about that here).
Her best-selling, self-titled book of poetry was published in 2016, followed by Pamper Me to Hell & Back in 2018. She’s also the author of iconic poems, including 'Monica' and 'Keats is Dead so Fuck me From Behind'.
Who better to review four new fragrances, with an appropriately poetic perspective - in the unique form of imagined perfume commercials...
Ingrid Starnes eau de parfum roll-on, $150 for set of three
Note: These are my new favourite and best perfumes. They all smell like sexy insect repellent and poison. I’ve never had a perfume roll-on before. They’re cute - like deodorant for mice.
(Vetyver Bergamot 10ml Vetyver, an other-worldly mystical scent, heady and intoxicating. Bergamot, the citrus flower that is fresh and green, grapefruit and lime.)
Perfume commercial idea:
Persephone pauses at the top of the stairs to the underworld to have one last durry before going back into the underworld. It’s the last day of summer. The trees around her ripple, with light and shadow.
(Hellebore 10ml The first flower of the winter. The poison of antiquity. Camphor notes make for an unsettling beguiling floral.)
Perfume commercial idea:
A little girl scratches her legs furiously. Her legs have been bitten to hell by mosquitos. She sits by the Christmas tree, malevolently sucking the chocolate out of a gold chocolate coin. Her family lie murdered around her on the floor.
(Arcadia 10ml A garden of the imagination at night, so beautiful as to be almost haunting. Dark and woody, cedar soft.)
Perfume commercial idea:
It’s a hot summer’s day. Two cowboys stand in the desert, back to back. One cowboy is dressed in white, the other black. Both cowboys are Jamie Lee Curtis, and they are pissed. They walk in opposite directions from each other, for ten paces. A bead of sweat glistens on a forehead. A finger twitches. A bird soars low overhead. Suddenly they both turn. Jamie Lee Curtis, dressed in white, is fastest. She gives Jamie Lee Curtis the fingers. The second Jamie Lee Curtis, dressed in black, falls dead instantly.
Armani MY WAY eau de parfum, $128
(This kind of smells a little bit like Black Opium. It makes me want to be really good at sports.)
Perfume commercial idea:
Interior shot of a high school changing room. All the hockey girls are jostling each other and getting changed into their hockey clothes. A whistle blows in the distance. The hockey girls spill out onto the field. It is night & the stadium, illuminated, glows like a radioactive lagoon in the darkness, or the sort of emerald which might be stolen in a 20’ detective novel. Another whistle blows, and a second team runs out onto the field. Then another team. Then another. When there are finally about 300 girls on the field, and 300 hockey balls, they start to play. The girls run, like sweet prehistoric horses. Balls fly dangerously everywhere. Teeth get broken. Hair gets pulled. The girls whack each other around the ankles with their sticks. The girls are happy.
Narciso Rodriguez Narciso eau de parfum ambrée, $118
(This one smells like sexy talcum powder. I love it.)
Perfume commercial idea:
An eye opens. We zoom back, see the eye belongs to a giant. We see the giant is asleep on a hillside, surrounded by orange trees, sheep and some picturesque ancient stuff, like a monastery. It’s a beautiful day, and the sun beats down on the shingled roofs, the ocean sparkling just out of reach. The giant stands, shaking the earth. He reaches down, tears the monastery up by its roots. Monks tumble off, like ants. The giant rubs the monastery underneath his arm like deodorant.
Issey Miyake Nectar d'Issey IGO eau de parfum, $199
Perfume commercial idea:
An elderly man sits at a garden table, wearing a white brimmed hat. We cannot see his face. He is surrounded by bowers of roses, sweet peas. Someone has even hired a few humming birds. A frosted beverage sits before him on the table. The old man takes a teaspoon of sugar and stirs it into his drink. He takes another spoon. Then another and another. He stirs in so many spoons of sugar, the drink starts spilling over the side. He keeps adding more sugar. Finally, after about fifty spoons of sugar, the old man takes a sip. The old man smiles. Who is this sexy, wicked old man? Why it’s Vincent Price.
The majority of product in our beauty reviews is gifted to our reviewers with the requirement it be trialled over a period of time. Editorial opinions are the writer's own. Is there a product you’d like to see reviewed? Let us know!
