Every season is party season for these highly sociable women, who make the art of hosting look effortless. Is it polite to turn up empty-handed? How to make introverts and extroverts comfortable? Can you leave without saying goodbye? Whether you’re planning to host your own gathering or are more of a fabulous guest type, their tips will help you have the best time ever.
Sophie Gilmour, entrepreneur
Hospitality is in Sophie's blood: her mother Emerald is Auckland hospo royalty, and sister Mimi is a restaurateur who launched (and then sold) Burger Burger and Mexico. Away from restaurant life, the family are famously great hosts, a role Sophie relishes in both her personal and professional lives: as well as hosting friends and family at her Birkenhead home, the powerhouse regularly hosts events and dinners at her co-working and events space The Village, consults through her company Delicious Business, and runs Fatimas. She's also a trustee for food charities DineAid, which is currently raising funds for the City Missions via 60 participating restaurants, and Everybody Eats; and recently began teaching an AUT course called 'Co-Starters', helping hospitality entrepreneurs enter the industry armed with the information they need to thrive - including the art of being a good host.
What’s your ethos or attitude to hosting?
Fill up the table! If you're going to make the effort, you may as well have 10 people. Don't worry about things being perfect and finished before people arrive – I embrace a bit of chaos/prep when people are there and I think it helps put people at ease.
Be flexible about timings. I like to serve something for people to nibble on and chat first in the kitchen, then serve dinner a little later than usual. Read the room and see how your guests are feeling.
What’s your favourite type of party (to host or attend)?
I love a dinner party where some of the guests don't know each other and some do. I love meeting new people, and also introducing people that are dear to me that I know will get on well. I like variety – age, political leaning, jobs, lifestyles, all of it! The more the merrier.
What’s your party or hosting ‘secret’ ingredient – the one thing that really helps build a fun and welcoming vibe?
Make a great cocktail for arrival – there's no social lubricant like a strong margarita. I'm always obsessing about details too like making sure the lights are sufficiently dimmed, my scented candle is lit and there is space in the fridge for guests who may bring their own drinks.
How do you deal with different types of people and guests – from extroverts to introverts – to ensure they all feel comfortable and have a good time?
I always introduce people properly and mention something they have in common to leave them with a starter: 'Richard this is Trina, she's an actor and has just moved back from LA – haven't you just set up an office there?' or similar.
Any tips for being a good guest?
I know it's not the done thing, but we seem to have gotten into the swing of doing the dishes with our group of friends when we're the guests. Like not a 30-minute full kitchen scrub but plates in the dishwasher, dishwasher on. Big dishes soaking. It's a vibe.
Do you think it’s polite /okay to turn up empty handed – and if not, what do you take?
No, never empty handed! Take flowers for the host if you're not asked to bring anything. Or mustard – I often take a small jar of that yummy French tarragon mustard. Foodie hacks make great host gifts. Take your own kid's food if your kids are fussy. Bring a bottle of wine (or whatever you'd like to drink) even if you're not asked to.
Is there any other party (or host) etiquette that you adhere to?
Julie Dalzell, founder of Cuisine magazine, once said to me 'never complain, never explain' which in this context means that most of the time people are just thrilled to be cooked for and looked after so don't elaborate about details that haven't gone right in your dish. If you know of someone's dietaries, accommodate them to make them feel considered – ideally they volunteer them before they arrive.
Let’s talk style: What’s your party ensemble go-to?
Honestly, I'm a time optimist that is constantly whipping to the bathroom to throw on a frock or just put some lipstick on as people are arriving. So I'm often rolling with my work outfit plus red lipstick.
Networking and small talk can feel gross, but there are ways to do it well. What are some conversation starters or tips you use? And are there any conversation no-gos?
I'm super open and think I tend to put people at ease by divulging something relatable or self-deprecating about myself off the bat – 'are you guys battling as much as us with this interest rate situation?'.
What's the secret to a good party playlist?
My husband. Someone that isn't cooking should be on music I think because there is too much 'cooking noise' going on in my head to be nailing the music too. Ideally it ramps up in tempo and volume over the night, and we often throw it to guests for requests after dinner.
What about decorating – any decor and/or table setting tips for setting a mood?
Candles, loads of them, always. Dim the lights! We're a cloth napkin family too. I bought some old napkin rings at Cordy's and they really jazz up the table with a cane placemat from Bali. Our main plates are quite patterned – also a Cordy's find, and they always make the food look interesting. I'm done with plain white plates.
How should one leave a party gracefully? Is it ok to leave without saying goodbye?
My mother is the queen of the Irish goodbye, it makes me laugh but I do think it can be interpreted as rude by those not used to it. It makes me laugh how New Zealand culture is such that people feel they have to come up with an excuse to go home. I think a simple, 'we're off, Uber is on the way' is sufficient. I'm more of a 'last man standing' than first to leave so haven't mastered this by any means.
What’s your go-to party dish?
Everyone says this but something you can part-prepare in advance is always great. I also like something people can be part of (rolling their own spring roll, making their own taco etc). The thing I've made most this year whilst entertaining a Thai-style beef fillet with green beans, coconut rice and green salad with peanuts, tomatoes and nuoc cham – it’s great when one person can focus on the meat (BBQ) and the other shimmy the rest up in the kitchen.
What’s your favourite party beverage? (a specific drink/wine would be great)
An after dinner negroni is a great time. Hastings Distillers do the most delicious New Zealand-made spirits and organic aperitifs – the L'Opera, East Block Gin & Rubis Rouge together make a great negroni.
Any more essential party tips?
My mum always used to say to my sister and I that, 'people are not inviting you to their house for dinner because they think you need food – you are expected to contribute to the conversation, the event and the mood of the room. Otherwise stay home.'
Rose Hope, founder of Crushes
Rose is one of the geniuses behind the Karangahape Road store Crushes, which, alongside its in-store offering of vintage fashion and homeware, has become known for its community-focused social club events. They've hosted knitting clubs, Halloween dog shows, mahjong nights, crafting workshops, pub quizzes and more - all with the same theme of bonding, and relaxed fun. That sense of inclusivity and making all feel welcome extends to the personal parties and gatherings that Rose hosts, too.
What’s your ethos or attitude to hosting?
My gatherings are all about being comfortable and happy together, so I love making a place feel easy and relaxed, so that you can come be yourself in the space – that you are not coming in to this unrealistic, unattainable version of my moodboard, but instead, “you are so welcome here”. It’s essentially our party now.
What’s your favourite type of party (to host or attend)?
A garden party heals my soul. It ticks all parts of my longing: for more time outside, and more time with my friends.
What’s your party or hosting ‘secret’ ingredient – the one thing that really helps build a fun and welcoming vibe?
Someone once told me, you can be running behind and have everything running amuck, but if music is playing and a candle is burning, then the guests tune in to those sweet details instead.
How do you deal with different types of people and guests – from extroverts to introverts – to ensure they all feel comfortable and have a good time?
There’s a great Curb Your Enthusiasm episode about the importance of who you put on the middle of a table to carry a conversation, but I feel like it’s the opposite. Put the people with the most pull at the ends of a table, and it includes all the people along the way as they talk down the line.
Any tips for being a good guest?
I think as women, we think we must always contribute or be of service. So even a guest must bring something, or offer to clean up. But a great thing to learn is that sometimes people are hosting to serve, and it’s a gift to them to let them serve you! So offer, but if they say no – believe them!
Do you think it’s polite /okay to turn up empty handed – and if not what do you take?
In my friend group? In this day and age? Absolutely.
Networking and small talk can feel gross, but there are ways to do it well. What are some conversation starters or tips you use? And are there any conversation no-gos?
I don’t like to ask what people do. I instead ask, “What do your days look like?”.
What's the secret to a good party playlist?
Choose vibe, not songs.
What about decorating – any decor and/or table setting tips for setting a mood?
Once you own 1. Fairy lights 2. Candles (real or battery powered) 3. Garland 4. Outdoor mat 5. Fake/dried flowers, you never have to buy anything new per event.
How should one leave a party gracefully? Is it ok to leave without saying goodbye?
Say thanks to the host, and then one big BYE at the door to anyone who may be listening.
What’s your go-to party dish?
We’ve become known for our Ashkenazi dishes we perfected over lockdown. A slow cooked holiday beef brisket, as well as our challah bread, and especially together, with a kosher pickle.
What’s your favourite party beverage?
Still Life Chilled Red.
Rebecca Wadey, Ensemble co-founder
Rebecca is an expert at fostering a good time and connecting people, whether it's hosting intimate dinner parties for friends at home or (a more rare occurrence) bigger gatherings that go late into the night. She's also organised events and parties for brands like Kate Sylvester and Jo Malone - and is the woman behind our own Ensemble events (like our bingo night and movie screenings).
What’s your ethos or attitude to hosting?
I love hosting – for some reason I’m way more comfortable with it than being a guest.
What’s your favourite type of party (to host or attend)?
Anything that revolves around food, duh. I love a dinner party with say 12 guests, or a chaotic larger adults and kids get together. I am happiest when we can all sit and really talk together and I don’t feel like I have to work a room.
What’s your party or hosting ‘secret’ ingredient – the one thing that really helps build a fun and welcoming vibe?
The people! I’m lucky in that I only know really awesome people and so when we get together with no observers, fun is always guaranteed. I do occasionally invite a random into the mix which usually adds a layer of interest/fun, although once I did get a text from one of these ‘new’ guests the next day apologising for too much swearing. I don’t know who he thought we were that he had to apologise for this, there were definitely far more naughty things at play that night than swearing.
How do you deal with different types of people and guests – from extroverts to introverts – to ensure they all feel comfortable and have a good time?
I like to make sure I have a good non-alcoholic drink offering so people who prefer not to drink don’t feel pressured or othered. Same with vegetarians and other dietary requirements. And I like to think I offer variety and a safe space where everyone can feel themselves.
Any tips for being a good guest?
None! Any guest is a good guest, don’t overthink it, just be yourself. Be open to enjoying people and conversations if you’re comfortable with that; if not, have fun observing, which is also a great way to pass the time.
Do you think it’s polite /okay to turn up empty-handed – and if not what do you take?
Personally I’m unable to turn up to someone’s house empty-handed. If they insist they don’t need me to bring anything I usually overcompensate with wine, flowers, and chocolate.
That said, I would never care if someone turned up to my place empty-handed. I think there are enough social barriers that stop people going out and/or having a good time. I would rather people come empty-handed and happy than spend time, money or brain capacity they don’t have to bring something and arrive resentful and stressed.
Is there any other party (or host) etiquette that you adhere to?
Only serve food that can largely be prepared in advance, you want to sit and enjoy your guests. Make sure you have enough time to clean the kitchen, load AND unload the dishwasher.
Let’s talk style: What’s your party ensemble go-to?
If people are coming to our place I’m invariably in bare feet. It feels weird to get fully dressed in your own home.
Networking and small talk can feel gross, but there are ways to do it well. What are some conversation starters or tips you use? And are there any conversation no-gos?
Absolutely not. The more provocative the conversation the better. What use is a dinner party if not a gossip fact finding mission for all?
What's the secret to a good party playlist?
As guests are arriving, my husband and I will always be found arguing over our differing taste in music. This is usually resolved by finding a playlist with common ground; I use a lot from Charlotte Ryan’s Spotify profile for this purpose. The one she did for our Ensemble Bingo night is always a crowd pleaser.
What about decorating – any decor and/or table setting tips for setting a mood?
We don’t have nice things at my house so dinner parties are a mish mash of mismatched china and wine drunk from tumblers. I do love candles and always have tealights in glass jars (similar to our Ensemble events). We usually sit outside and I have some cheap faux linen tablecloths I’m relaxed about wax dripping on, and I have cushions sewn from coffee sacks leftover from my sister's wedding and a collection of crochet blankets sourced from TradeMe over the years for warmth as needed.
How should one leave a party gracefully? Is it ok to leave without saying goodbye?
At an intimate party, you must say goodbye! If it’s a big gathering I am very keen on a sneaky exit otherwise goodbyes can outdo the time you spent there.
Here’s a tip though, if you’re at someone’s house for dinner and the host puts the kettle on it means it’s time to leave. Our guests invariably outstay my bedtime, if people don’t take that cue, my next move is going upstairs to bed and leaving my husband to entertain solo.
What’s your go-to party dish?
I like to theme my dinner parties just so there’s an overarching idea to bring them together. We love tacos and making various sauces etc (I also make an incredible creamed corn and refried beans, yum) served with margaritas and Mexican beers, or Middle Eastern and buying lots of yummy pre-made things from Shefco, which is a hugely cost-effective way of entertaining.
I used to put an entire weekend into cooking and prepping, and when I ran out of energy (and money) to continue doing this my entertaining dried up – then I became comfortable with easier themes like ‘pot luck’. A big dhal, or something like Anna Jones one pot pasta (a recipe I discovered in an interview with Mimi Gilmour) make super easy centrepiece dishes, or another one a friend Sarah taught me many years most friends of mine have eaten since is an eye fillet marinated in soy and sesame oil, served on green tea soba noodles and topped with lashings of fresh coriander, pickled ginger, toasted sesame seeds and more soy and sesame oil. I love this one because apart from the cooking time of the meat all the prep can be done in advance. And it looks pretty and is real yum.
What’s your favourite party beverage?
I usually make a cocktail and a mocktail for entertaining at my house. If I’m going to someone else's place I take yummy champagne (Mumm is my favourite) or a sparkling pet nat, like the Delinquente. And sparkling water as I tend to tap out of wine after a glass or two. When people are at my place I find I don’t really drink much.
