Cait is a writer based in Melbourne, and has written for Ensemble about long-term singledom, shopping addictions and how to stop being late all the time.
A TikTok I watched recently stopped me in my tracks. In it, content creator Gael Aitor poses a question I haven’t spent much time considering, even though I’m long-term single and regularly write about contemporary dating: “Have you considered that you’re the problem, and not the dating apps? Our generation – you – we need to start letting things grow on us. Like, what happened to that?”.
He goes on to explain how our need for instant gratification, and our desire for something to serve us or enhance our lives right away, means that we have a set of strict check boxes that we put each potential suitor up against.
Of course, as any sane person would agree, having standards is normal in dating; what isn’t normal is having standards so rigid that you count potentially great people out far too early on. Gael believes we’re getting too caught up in our perception of the person we’re going on a date with – a perception generally built via a curated dating app profile – so that when we meet them in the flesh, disappointment inevitably ensues.
And he makes a great point: dismissing someone after one date (generally only a few hours of interacting with each other) is, most of the time, pretty preemptive. “When you look at the closest friends in your life, the people that are now – like, it’s someone you can’t imagine living without – it’s probably someone that at the beginning of your relationship, you either thought you would never be friends… or they just randomly showed up and then one day you were like ‘Oh, I guess I do like you’… because that’s the thing: you should let things grow on you,” he says.
Learning to let feelings grow
Letting things grow on me is something I’ve never been particularly good at. I’m often a person of emotional extremes. I love something or loathe something; I’m infatuated or entirely disinterested. But age brings with it some wisdom (the rumours are true) and my dating experiences this year have really driven home that good things take time. The ick, even though it might not feel like it at the time, can just be a passing freak out, and healthier connections are generally slower to reveal themselves.
So why are daters in 2024 so afraid of letting their feelings grow? Tinder’s dating expert Sera Bozza tells me that daters today are more cautious and self-protective than ever before – and for good reason.
“The 'hook up, ghost, repeat' cycle has trained people to guard their hearts. But when you’re so busy trying to avoid rejection or embarrassment, you miss out on real connection. Love is inherently risky, but you can protect yourself by dating smarter and in a fun and safe way.”
She believes social media shoulders a lot of the blame. “The constant dopamine drip from social media has made it harder for us to build genuine connections – or even recognise them when they’re right in front of us. There’s endless debate over whether we should trust ‘the spark’, but I don’t hear many daters getting close to feeling it. When our dopamine systems are on overdrive all day, we’ve numbed ourselves to the point where the spark can’t compete with the instant hit we get from social media.”
Jonathan* is a 29-year-old lawyer based in Auckland who’s been single for six years and, like many daters, he struggles to let an intimate connection grow on him. Similarly to Sera, he believes social media has a significant role to play.
“I find it hard to not go into a date with a preconceived idea of what someone’s vibe will be, because I’ve been taking in this highly curated version of them on social media and dating apps, so when we meet in person I often feel they don’t live up to whatever ideals I projected onto them. I know this isn’t fair or healthy, but many dates I go on I feel disappointed and uninterested in seeing the person again.”
When I ask him if he thinks he might be the problem in some of these scenarios, he’s quick to admit that he probably is. “I know I should let people reveal themselves over a few dates, and be open to someone surprising me, but I get this overwhelming gut feeling when I’m on a date and know I’m not into it, or they’re not what I imagined them to be – it’s like, if they’re not exactly what I’m wanting, why am I wasting my time (and their time?).”
The dreaded ‘ick’
Jonathan tells me that the few times in the last six years where something has progressed beyond a handful of dates, either he’s got the ‘ick’ or the other person has lost interest or ghosted. “For all I know, they got the ick from me. I can’t tell anymore what’s a valid ick and what’s just me or the other person feeling things getting more serious and spinning out. I know I’ve definitely got the ick from someone amazing, and in retrospect I think I was terrified of making myself vulnerable and them ultimately rejecting me. I think the ick is sometimes just being avoidantly attached.”
I know I’ve certainly ended things too many times because of what, in retrospect, was such a silly ick. “The ick phenomenon is like this imaginary safeguard we throw up when something doesn’t feel instantly perfect. It’s the fear of wasted time and getting hurt wrapped in a cute little 'ick' bow,” Sera tells me. She believes we’ve glorified independence and self-sufficiency to such an extent that tiny, ridiculous imperfections have morphed into red flags, when in reality they’re just quirks.
“It’s easier to reject someone over their shoes or their green text bubble than to risk opening up, getting hurt, and being disappointed. People think avoiding feelings means avoiding pain, but all they’re doing is avoiding connection. The problem isn’t who you’re dating – it’s your fear of connection,” she says.
And yes, that definitely feels like a read. I want connection but am equally immensely fearful of it! It’s so confusing!!
Halie*, a single 28-year-old video editor from Wellington, knows how I feel. She spent years dismissing people early on in dating for often trivial reasons, and only recently has decided to adopt a slower, more considered approach to finding love.
“I think getting older and dating there is a pressure to not waste time and know early on whether someone is the right fit, which is hard because you need to actually get to know someone before you can make that call,” she says. “I’ve been dating recently and wanting to take it slower with this one guy than I normally would, both for the fear of jumping into something too soon that isn’t the right fit and also wanting to minimise the risk of getting hurt. For me, dating now is less about how it feels, but actively thinking ‘Is this what I want?’ and tempering my feelings accordingly just in case it isn’t.” So far, Halie’s found this slower approach to dating has been much more successful, and the more considered pace has given her time to push past any icks or freak outs that arise.
Perfectionism is killing your love life
If you, like me, find it difficult to let things develop at a slower pace, Sera has some sage words of advice. “Stop looking for someone perfect: perfect doesn’t exist. People are messy, complicated and riddled with flaws – just like you. But there’s someone perfect for you. Can you get uncomfortable and push through your fears long enough to see who they are? Because if you don’t, you will keep repeating the same cycle of short-term, superficial relationships,” she tells me.
She encourages single people who are struggling to find a long-term connection to ask themselves if they’re truly protecting themselves or if they’re just hiding behind minor turn-offs because vulnerability makes them uncomfortable. “Real connections take time, and superficial icks disappear with the right person when you accept that you’re falling for them – even at the risk of getting hurt.”
If you’re using dating apps like Tinder, she suggests trying out features like the app’s Matchmaker function, which allows your friends or family to set you up on dates with people you might otherwise dismiss. “If you know you’re quick to cut people off, bring in backup! [It can] give you that accountability to stop sabotaging something real. You can give more of a chance to matches you might have written off too quickly.”
The takeaway? True, genuine connection requires us to be vulnerable, and for many of us that can feel deeply uncomfortable. But to get to the good stuff, we’ve got to learn to slow down, and let things develop at a more drawn out pace. After all, if romance novels and films have taught us anything, sometimes the best connections are the ones you never expected.
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